Going back to work after almost eleven weeks of loving on
little Minden everyday has been by far one of the hardest things I think I
have ever done.
Once, while Nate and I were still dating, he mentioned he would like me to be a stay-at-home-mom to our kids. I laughed him off and insisted that I would never want that. Then came a long the most precious little baby girl EVER, and immediately I wanted to take it all back.
Those days at home with her during my maternity leave I dreamed about what it would be like if that were possible for us. If only I could just find a little side job; something I felt passionate about and that would still pay me the same. Enough to give us a little time apart (important for both of us socially) and to make me feel like I wasn't just sitting at home all day. Although it isn't possible for us at this point I still dream of a day when it could be.
The evening before I went back was a battle. I wanted so much to enjoy my last afternoon at home with her, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling sad. This resulted in the worst headache I have ever had, running a slight fever and lots of tears.Oh man did I cry. I cried that night, the next morning, the entire ride to work, at work and then again on the second day back to work. I sat in the lactation room sobbing while I looked through pictures of her on my phone. I wished I could just stick her back in my belly. Where I knew she was safe and always with me.
The evening before I went back was a battle. I wanted so much to enjoy my last afternoon at home with her, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling sad. This resulted in the worst headache I have ever had, running a slight fever and lots of tears.Oh man did I cry. I cried that night, the next morning, the entire ride to work, at work and then again on the second day back to work. I sat in the lactation room sobbing while I looked through pictures of her on my phone. I wished I could just stick her back in my belly. Where I knew she was safe and always with me.
I just feel like I missing out on so much time with her. I used to know about every smile, tear and dirty diaper. I am so thankful my sister could come watch her this week to make the transition a tiny bit easier for me. I am sure with time it will get easier. I will start to cry a little less each day until I am no longer a basket case over it. I will keep praying for the strength to get through each day.
Each evening I will continue to hold her a little tighter and kiss her twice as often. I will cherish each and every minute we have together.
My saving grace today is that it is Friday, which means two whole days with my baby are within reach. I just simply cannot wait!
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